Mr. Tactful

Sometimes things are worth fighting for that they are worth the full effort of your heart and soul. But somethings are not. Deciding the difference is always the hardest part.

When someone is breaking your heart, even the deaf can hear better than you can.


You know that she is talking. You can hear her soft voice on the other end holdign back what you hope to be tears. The sound of her voice used to make you so happy. But things have changed. Right now she is explaining to you why things need to be the way they're going to be and why she needs to walk out of your life. However that doesn't matter to you becuase all you are thinking is "please God, don't let this happen to me again... not this one"

Nevertheless, the truth will always find a way to get through to you. It may take you a few moments as you sit quite dumbfounded clutching the phone well after she has hung up, but you will come to accept that she has decided not to be the one you cherished so much. And she has left you paralyzed where you all you stand. The mind has the peculiar mechanism is which it doesn't know what to do, you will continue to do what you were doing before it all happened... even if it makes you look completely absurd.

Once the mind has shaken out of its paralysis, it will seek a way to remedy the situation. Time Travel is almost immediately shot down, quickly followed by the explanation that it was all a dream. So what do you do? Do you go for a run to clear your mind? Do you call up your friend and seek comfort? Or do you call her back and try to win her over once more? Everyone has a different coping mechanism. I'm still trying to find mine.

I argue with the greatest conviction that she provided me with the best two and a half months of my life. She made me care about things I never knew I cared about, and made me believe in myself. She encouraged me to be the superhero I've always wanted to be.

I miss you.

Yar... finals...

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I could buy you anything in the world what would I give you.
9. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST!

So becuase I really hate my paper right now, and Lena's thingy looked fun... (and yes, I am fully aware my collection is not as extensive as Lena's :()

How many songs?
1364

Sort by band:
First: 3 Doors Down
Last: Zero 7

Sort by time:
First: 0:09 Offspring- "Welcome"
Last: 11:51 Phantom of the Opera- "Down Once More/Track Down This Murderer"

Sort by song title
First: Grandaddy- "Yeah" Is What We Had
Last: Smashing Pumpkins- Zero

Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. "Unconditional"- The Bravery
2. "Banquet"- Bloc Party
3. "Turn Me On"- Norah Jones
4. "C'mere"- Interpol
5. "80 Windows"- Nada Surf


First song that comes up on Shuffle:
"The Sky is Fallin" by Queens of the Stone Age

Find "sex", How many songs come up?
2

Find "death", How many songs come up?
35

Find "love", How many songs come up?
44

... So by this last part I take it that I am least preoccupied thinking about sex and most preoccupied thinking about love? O.o... Nah.
Also, if anyone is going to be in the Greater Seattle neighborhood Friday December 16th, I invite you to come to my awesome Christmas Party. There will be eggnog, annoying music, and fun times.

Ordinarily I do no go to Husky football games for the express reason that we are horrible. And I do mean absolutely awful. All if not almost all of the points scored against us were field goals, meaning we couldn't score in any way at all. The team is worse off than a lone monkey with a knife surrounded by mafia alligators all holding machine guns... they may score a minor victory if they know what to do, but otherwise they are totally bleeped.

I apologize. I do not know where they crappy analogy came from.

At the end of the first quarter, right about when I started to shiver uncontrollably (note: try eating chili like that... hard), the suppsoed Homecomig Court was introduced. There is no reason for homecoming nor will there ever be one for a college environment. I dare anyone to dispute. Anyway, as the announcer and camera start to move down the line, a familiar face appears. Alex Oh: Homecoming King. At that point a long line of shocked obscenities flew out of my mouth and the ears of children within earshot began to bleed. What are the odds... 1 in 40,000 people at the UW and it's Alex Oh. However, just as the line of obscentiies began to slow down, yet another familiar face appeared on the giant screen. Leanne Do: Homecoming Queen.

Dear God... it feels like I've never left high school. I really need to go somewhere else for grad work.

Dilemma:

1) an argument presenting two or more equally conclusive alternatives against an opponent
2) Tomorrow at 7:00pm there is a meeting of Phi Alpha Delta (the pre-law honor society)... at 8:00pm Nada Surf is playing at Nuemos... I am so conflicted

I got bored today so I cleaned the living room and kitchen...

I'm thinking I either need school to start, a girlfriend, or just get out in general... maybe all of the above.

Your Musical Tastes Match: Jennifer Garner

See her whole playlist here (iTunes required)

... this is just too much

Some people are just fuckin pricks when it comes to ultimate...

Yeah... I suck. But if you have a problem with the way I play, sit me down and tell me how to improve. Don't yell at me from the lines and expect me to hear you, and ESPECIALLY don't take it out on me if your team is losing. It's not my fault your long is slower than me sprinting and when I reach to endzone I expect her to catch it (she is a long afterall!), not my fault two of your players are middle aged men who need two airplane seats one for each ass, and it's not my fault your stack falls to shit and you turnover, and ESPECIALLY don't send me to the other team give me some lame ass excuse about how the team had tooo many subs. I can fuckin count assholes... you needed the men, and I was open more than once. I shoulda just clocked one in the head on "accident".

15-4... yeah that's right you did just as bad without me. Bastards.

So I suppose it is time I jot down some thoughts here. It's been about a month... and an entry right about now sounds good.

Summer thus far has been far less bleak than I first anticipated. Currently, I DO have a job. The title of the job is "student specialist to the l UW ibraries budget and accounting office", but that really does not mean much more than "office rat". I file, enter data, pick up the mail, and other mindless tasks the Univeristy would much rather hire an illegal immigrant for and pay less than minimum for. It's a simple job but I am happy with it. The primiary drawback of the job are the hours: morning. I am expected to be in the officer everyday at 830 through summer and for the duration of the school year. I have effectively therefore signed up for an early morning class for the rest of next year. So, if one is ever on campus around lunch time or the early afternoon, give me a call and I will pick up.

Life otherwise... is difficult to describe. It is always difficult to force yourself to describe how you have been for an entire month with simple emotional descriptions like sad, happy, thoughtful, etc. I like to believe that I am a lot more complicated of a person to be able to be defined such a way. I deserve to be more than a one-dimensional character out of a sitcom. But, maybe that's just a defense mechanism, an excuse not to discuss some unpleasant thoughts. I suppose it is up to you to figure out which to follow. Nevertheless: I am alive, in somewhat good health, not exhibiting any sort of psychotic symptoms, haven't reached that elusive 400 pound mark yet; just being a "normal" person.

-Andy

Ah... alive once again. But of course using the term "alive" in the loosest sense possible. Sure I am breathing. I can feel my pulse beat through my neck when I press my fingers against it. But that doesn't necessarily mean I am alive.

Following Terry's lead, I suddenly feel like I should update... talk about summer plans and maybe explain why I feel well... "dead". As most if not most of you know, it is officially finals week. This means a little less to me than normal. I had two finals last week before the actual finals week which made last wednesday night excruitiating. All that is left is my civil liberties and abnormal psych final... my two "major" classes. I've been in and out of the dreaded odegaard for three days now, and I have already begun to feel the symptoms and exhibit the common signs of library psychosis. For future reference I have enclosed the following symptoms to help you diagnose this deadly disease. 1) lack to concentration, 2) fatigue, 3) inability to sit still, 4) irritability, and 5) a strong desire to find that one cute girl from class and ask her out quickly before the year ends (commonly known as "Holy Crap It's the End Of the YEar And I'm Single" Disease). Heh... well... maybe not so much the latter all the time. By thursday it will be all over and I will return to the sleepy city of Shoreline. I don't know how to feel about that other than *makes a distorted face*. Not like that makes any sense either...

So summer plans... summer... hmmm. No job yet, no class, and no internship. Haha... man I feel depressed now. I guess I can go to the IMA a lot? Bleh... this entry has gone downhill fast and I shall end it quickly. Finals is making me mentally unsound and my summer looks unproductive. With the only exception of a trip to SF next week I know of nothing else to be excited for.

-Andy

Eight months... seventeen days...

People have always said that I've been kind of a sentimentalist. Someone who wear his heart of his sleeve despite trying as hard as he can to cover it up. The kind of guy that will move the moon itself to please a girl.

I regret nothing. They were quite possibly some of the happiest times in my life, and perhaps the longest lucky streak any guy has ever had. I have nothing horrible or spiteful to say. Let the record show. I don't think I could even hope to try to conjure such words.

I should be happy that it lasted so long. Happy. Too bad that I am not.. But I am content with how things are. I recognize that it had to end. A little part of me was hoping that it would not. Life is not always how you expect it to turn out.

" To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do"
-"Run" by Snow Patrol

... my return in temporary, I assure you all.

I just feel like writing. Xanga has grown stale... and there is a certain appeal to writing something that I know my older friends will see. Not only my "UW friends". I think I tend to neglect those that have helped me to where I am today. Family and friends included.

Life since my last entry has changed. Perhaps not drastically, but changed nevertheless. I am well on my way to doubling in poli sci and psych, and still holding my own in class. Most of the time the greatest challenge that is presented to me is not analytical papers on the Constitution. I can handle reading and writing. The greatest hurdle to clear is staying awake in class. I fall asleep so much it is ridiculous. My longest nap was 30 minutes during a lecture. I woke up to find my friends drawing on my notebook... luckily consciousness is nto awalys a necessity in that class. So that is academics. I am afloat and look forward to the coming quarter.

Social life is a completely different beast with many different facets. First, there is my Jenny. If any of you talk to me on AIM reguarly enough, you will know I talk about her perhaps a bit too much. She is quite possibly the brightest spot in my life. She always knows how to make me feel better, and although she is very busy (a physics/astro major)... she still manages to hold my heart. I have no idea how long this will last, but I hope for many good times ahead. Next closest to me, in a virtual dead heat, are my Terry 4/5 guys. This label is deceptive I assure you. Within this umbrella organization, people associated include Jamie, Jason, Hyung, Calvin, Chico, Bah, and even Jim. It depends on who is around really. We pull in anyone we can find. Weekends are quite fun with these guys. I am trying to make it a habit of leaving campus... food, malls, movies, downtown trips, etc... anything to get away. It makes life more interesting in contrast to the predictable dorm life. Moving outward from myself there are others... I believe "minor chracters" is what Gavin would call them.

Life at the moment is both frustrating and wonderful. Sometimes I catch myself being paranoid and selfish. Or maybe depressed to the point that I don't want to go to class. However, it would seem I have a good life, and I would hate to spoil it. I need to be less pessimistic and look at the bright side. There are always people to look out for me, people I can trust, and people that need me.

Sometimes... we jsut need a little reflection to appreciate what we have. I think I have just done that :).

-Andy

Before I get into what's been happening to me and my little, insignificant issues I wish to go on a rant... So it has come to my attention that one of my friends has been seriously hurt by their significant other. I'm not going to disclose name, age, or even what school the person attends. It's just not necessary. But, what I am going to say is that the person is someone I hold close to me, and like a little sister to me. I like to think that I try to look over her sometimes.... and apparently I have failed.

She's a kind, sweet, and caring girl. If you were to know her, you would say exactly what I stated if not even more exaggerated. It is just extremely frustrating when something like this happens to someone that you know deserves FAR more than this. SOmeone who deserves to be treated like the lady she is. It's enough to make someone sick... what kind of world... what kind of people let this happen? I know it's part of "the game", but that does not alter the fact that there is something innately wrong when something like this happens. Another societal injustice that we cannot rectify.

Anyway, I feel sick... my room is so messy I can't find my astro. book... and I have mass psych work to do.

Sometimes I think I'm getting too old to do this time and time again. It's a vicious cycle. Round and Round I go, getting so dizzy that I can't seem to calm myself. I'm so lost. I need to find the lost child department. Where am I? Shoreline...the dorms...greek row...Olympia...Issaquah...California...? I have lost so much of myself I"m beginning to wonder that the next time I go around again that I'll have anything to give at all.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? According to a deathly overused metaphor, I keep shooting myself in the foot. If that were true, I think I'm almost out of feet to shoot off. God damn I hate this ride. I want off this horried rollercoaster. "Stop the ride I say! I"m gonna loose my lunch!" I yell. But, the operator seems to hear all but my cries, looking about as if to play dumb. What a spiteful bastard he is. Day in and day out he takes advantage of the happy and seems to do nothing but destroy that which made them blissful in the first place. What kind of person gets his kicks out of the unhappiness of others... someone needs to shut down this ride.

Worst yet, this time around it was not even my choice to get on the ride again. I was tricked, thrown in and strapped down like I was a ragdoll- a plaything to be jerked around.

I want off, never to ride again.

Bahaha... this is sad, already another one. So yeah... I'm hiding in my room till my friends go to sleep so they won't April Fool's me and steal my clothes. Those jerks are already planning stuff against others... how am I supposed to know if I'm next!? :0. Crap... tomorrow will not be fun.

Let's see... there's already talk of taping people's door's shut and messing with alarm clocks. This makes me... uneasy. *looks around*. Anyway, maybe it's time to say something with a little more depth... hella eh? Okay. So, after two quarters at college, I've come to accept that well... people drink here at the U. Not in the sense that it happens, but in the sense that I shouldn't necessarily avoid/dislike them for their addiction. Granted, I still disagree with why they need to drink, I've well... almost come to sympathize with them. College is tough, and to be honest... in moderation it doesn't seem that bad. A friend of mine... we'll call her Ms. X... she drinks. And for a long time, it was a barrier between me and her. It was just me judging her and being an ass, and her hating me for it. But you know what... she is my friend, and I like her for who she is, and I will standby her becuase I know she's going to need me sometime down the line.

I still don't like the thought of drinking. (Though the thought of it seems somewhat enticing... damn allergies. lol. yeah, I'll be the last sober person here at the U :)) However, alchohol seems to play a role not only in college, but the adult world and I need to deal with its presence and those that choose to drink. And let's face it, a lot of people drink (not heavily mind you)... so I can either continue to alienate people I care for or stnad by them and make sure they do not do anything stupid. I choose friendship.

You can call me stupid, an idiot, or just one of the crowd. But, the thing is... I can't keep closing my eyes, plugging my ears, and singing loudly to keep myself from reality. In the real world, people drink (exactly how many is debatable) and I have come to accept the world for waht it is becuase you know what kiddo? I'd rather stand by those that choose this life instead of shunning them... becuase that's who I am. Someone who cares.

-Andy

I should be upset... my computer has gone totally insane (I may need to reformat), I have a good deal of homework to do only two days into class, my allergies are flaring up, T-Caf is now closed so I must walk almost twice as far to eat at the 8, I'm having trouble sleeping at night, and my Halo CD is so messed up that I need to buy a new one.

But, you know what? I'm not. Today was awesome. I ran into Kevin, Leanne, Nathan, and Claire and soon followed by a surprise appearance by former debate VP Andrea. It was really good to see them again, especially Andrea. I haven't seen that girl in years... it's good to know she's doing well. She seems very happy, better than I remember. As for class, well... it's too early to tell what's going to be easy and what will be difficult. But some things are for sure... Astro will be fun since I know 4 other people in the class (incl. two former FIGers)... my Art H prof. needs serious public speaking help (Umm... Raphael... umm.. earwax... umm... yeah... umm).

The best thing about the quarter system... you never know what's going to change. *looks out the window* This is going to be good, I know it.

Oh... and yes, I am a sexy pirate.

When I first start a long stretch of free time such as say... I dunno... Spring Break... I always find myself eager to resume my old life of excitement and irrational behavior. I guess I am nostalgic for those times where we were up for anything. Attempted clubbing, wandering downtown Edmonds, following random cars on high speed pursuits... to JUST DRIVE. But, every time I come to a break, it ends kind of disappointing- almost as if my time is wasted sitting around. Days blur once again. Instead of a routine of homework and sleep, I have found my way into a routine to looking for places to sit around and chill with my friends. I suppose even in "complete freedom", we are still creatures of habit.

I just kind of wish something exciting would happen (for the better or worse)

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I'm Cold!

Sometimes you need a lot of things to hapen to relax yourself. Normally, to completely relax I need sleep and nothing to do. But I dunno... today, I was kinda a lot of places.

After waking up at 10:45 so I could call my friend and tell him I'd be down at the dorms later, I was sharply jostled from my sleep from my phone. It was my friend Brittney. I totally forgot that I promised I'd eat lunch with her and the girls from orchestra... crap. So I quickly pulled on clothes, attempted to fix my hair, failed, and drove furiously off to taco bell. There, I accidentally almost tried to steal a man's paper, spilled over my huge drink, and ran into Mel's former prom date. Just being around a Shorewood environment... I dunno, makes me uneasy? Oh well.

So after lunch, I drove my truck (yes, my sis took the frekaing car) to the U. I had to pick up a book so I could seell it over break okay? Watched a little SWAT... drove my "sick friend" to hall health, and went home. The rest of the night... lets see... ate a lot of chinese food, almsot fell asleep on Jeremy's couch, ate miso soup, built a "mobil" out of skateboards and a sled, bothered Kjell and his parents for parts (despite the fact that we didn't use any of it), oh... and got pulled over by a cop becuase I forgot to turn on my lights. And that's the end of that chapter *dusts off his hand with a smirk*

-Andy